Torchwood: The Critic’s Tale

Aug 19th, 2011 | Filed under Uncategorized

What now follows is a collection of e-mails from my brother, received after each episode of Torchwood aired… If only I also taped our phone conversations…..

Episode 2

There’s a reason why the BBC doesn’t tend to import American shows for primetime BBC1 and Torchwood is about to explain it to us.


Having said that, I maintain that the audience wouldn’t care about how American it is if the show made any effort at all to feel real. That’s supposed to be what RTD’s good at; grounding outlandish concepts through relatable characters, like Ianto’s family in Children of Earth. All we’ve got now is Rhys, who’s being made to look like a stick-in-the-mud by Gwen’s constant “PHWOAR TORCHWOOD IS WICKED INNIT” bullshit. And he’s only in the opening scene of the second episode anyway.


The concept of nobody being able to die is being relayed to us by a bunch of cardboard CIA agents who would make Garth Marenghi blush. It’s all so impossible to like that I actually miss Ianto and Owen.


It’s taken Torchwood’s latest plunge to remind me how many people think the first two series were of an acceptable standard. I’m seeing a lot of excuses along the lines of, “Hey, Children of Earth isn’t the only Torchwood out there. It’s in Torchwood’s DNA to be unwatchable and embarrassing.” With Rex and Esther coming across as shitter versions of Owen and Tosh, I’m reevaluating how many of the first two series’ failings were down to Chibnall.


Torchwood thought: The ease with which the audience warms to Oswald Danes just means that the writers haven’t done a good enough job of convincing us that he’s a murderous paedophile.


I take that back. It’s actually just a testament to the fact that all the other characters are worse than paedophiles.


Also, the show is written from the point of view that there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty. Awesome ethics!


Oh, gawd! It’s the fifteen minute sequence of Tosh eluding men in suits in the CIA building.


The audience is clearly supposed to cheer when he zings the PR woman with his snappy one-liner. Who cares if he’s a paedophile? At least he’s not in PR!!!


Even Radio Times is panning Torchwood now. It seems that, in the third episode, the evil pharmaceutical company behind it all hires convicted murderer and paedophile Oswald Danes as the face of its products. The show expects us to believe that him crying on TV in episode 2 has made him a popular figure.


Episode 3

The sex scene is a laughable stain on an episode that had be alright up to that point.


Massive lol and a thumbs up for Gwen pointing out that, if the miracle had happened sooner, Ianto would still be alive.


Here’s my Miracle Day drinking game:
– One shot every time someone says “Torchwood”
– Two if they’re asking what Torchwood is
– Three if they’re saying something to the effect of “This is Torchwood” or “We’re Torchwood”
– Four shots every time news footage is used to tell the audience what’s going on
– Five shots every time anyone says “miracle” as if there’s no other possible way of describing it


The incidental music in Torchwood is so bad that I want Murray Gold removed from Doctor Who immediately.


I would rather be watching Trial of a Time Lord while listening to Doctor in Distress on a loop.


Episode 4

“You are trending like never before, you clever bastard.” Actual quote. Kill me now.


Oh, for fuck’s sake. The baddie is about to tell the goodies what’s going on FOR NO APPARENT REASON then Rex comes in and kills him. Yes, it’s that kind of show. The kind that John Simm’s Master took the piss out of in his very first scene. Wonderful.


When you watch last night’s Torchwood, be sure to stare at the bad guy’s face every time he’s on screen. His expressions sum up the series.


I’ve seen a lot of people who are unhappy with Rex for shooting the assassin just as he was about to spill the beans. That didn’t happen. The assassin knew nothing and the writers shot him.


Episode 5

So the twist in Miracle Day which, according to Jane Espenson, puts the series in the same league as Children of Earth is that governments are sending seriously injured people to concentration camps and having them incinerated. That would all be very well and good if the world that the show has painted and its characters were remotely believable. When the British government decided to use school league tables to determine which children they should turn into drugs, it was chilling because everything about the characters and their predicament had a ring of truth about it; conversely, Miracle Day has just been a bunch of cartoon characters conducting zany antics while waiting to say “omg this is sooOOoooooooOoooo DARK~”


Episode 6

My response to Torchwood isn’t a bad finger. It’s not a good finger. It’s a middle finger.


Episode 1: Rex travels from Washington DC to Wales.
Episode 2: Rex, Jack and Gwen travel from Wales to Washington DC.
Episode 4: The gang travels from Washington DC to California.
Episode 5: Gwen travels from California to Wales.
Episode 6: Gwen travels from Wales to California in a matter of minutes.
Episode 8: Gwen travels from California to Wales
What scope! Think of the air miles! Can’t wait to see what the last couple of episodes have in store.


AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! At the end of this episode of Torchwood, Jack runs a search for “THE TRUTH”. Hope they find it!


The most profound thing anyone has said about Miracle Day: “Real life moves faster than this.”


Honestly, Jack searching for “the truth” is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen on television.

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